The little red ridinghoood
by TurboFerret
Summary: E WARNED THIS STORRY IS OFFENSIVE the last chapter is out in which you shall find the answers to the questions you had when reading the previous chapters! AND THE PROOF THAT MY BRAINISSTILL INTACT :D
1. Chapter 1

This is my first attempt at something really offensive. So feel free to rant at me and say what an awful person I am

Yours truly,

Morality

* * *

The little red riding hood. 

Seras aka little red riding hood

Walter aka father

Schrödinger aka big bad wolf (whahahhah big, yeah right)

Andersen aka huntsman

Enrico Maxwell - grandmother

Sorry the fairytale has got too little characters so I'll insert some from other fairytales and some I've made up

Captain – the white bunny

Pip - The hallucinogenic mushroom

Integra – the evil witch

Major – The sleeping beauty

Alucard – the narrator.

Kenny aka Kenny

Erm, right, so, why do I have to do this again? Ah, yess, the fresh A+ this evening, yummy.

(Shouts from somewhere – start already!)

Yeah, yeah, hold your tights on. Once upon a time, (yawn) there lived a little ignorant fledgling of mine who happened to be skipping her meals, ate ice cream while nobody saw her and stored Tom and Jerry comics under her mattress (shout from Seras - MASTER!) Yes so she decided to go to the dark woods and finally get lost.

Integra – This is not how the story goes!

Alucard – And? I'm the narrator here, you witch.

Fine, now according to the evil creature who also happens to be my master Seras lived in the forest with her father Walter, who was in fact a dentist, deadly floss, hint, hint. He was a terrible cook, which is why he decided to treat his erm, "relative" Enrico some of his special home made cookies in order to inherit her cottage in Rome. Don't ask me which way they're related, the story was too horrid even for me.

(Shouts from somewhere – Enrico can't be a grandmother, he's a man!)

CCCRUNCHY SOUNDS>

Rule Nr 1, don't you EVER question my stories if you want to keep your head on the shoulders, as for the rest of you noodles, Enrico had switched genders recently, that is why his ID still reads Enrico Maxwell, but friends call him Margaret.

Back to the story then.

Seras went to the shop and bought that new sexy crimson outfit the other day, somehow I can't see why everybody in the neighborhood called her the little red riding hood, I'd call her the little red riding _CENSORED,_ but oh well.

So Walter gave her the basket of cookies and ordered her not to consume any of the stuff if she wanted to stay alive. She slipped on her new leather catsuit and went off to the woods.

Ok remember I said my fledgling was ignorant? Well what person in a good state of mind would go into a dark forest at night, dressed up like that, especially with such complexion? Ok but before.

Walter – Seras dear, bring these to Margaret if you want to spend this summer in Rome.

Seras – Sure pops, no problem.

So she went prancing into the dark forest, singing loudly and scaring any monster away with her awful tunes. Seriously, have you ever heard her singing in the shower? No you perverts, of course I don't spy on her! The only thing is, I'm cursed to share the same basement with her.

Seras was very hungry; she had skipped her meal again and since she wanted to stay alive (well ok she's technically dead), she decided to find some nourishment in the woods, remember, it was dark. She searched and the only thing she found was some glowing mushrooms, well again, whether she was very hungry or insane, but she ate them.(Police girl, how many times do I have to tell you not to eat things from the ground!) Then the miracle happened, the mushrooms started talking to her, WOW.

Pip – Hey there babe, wanna go out with me?

Seras – Huh what are you?

Pip – Why I'm the hallucinogenic mushroom, Pip.

Seras - Nice to meet you, I'm Seras.

Pip – Good now eat me and I will accompany you wherever you go.

And you know what? She DID it! Can you imagine, taking orders from a mushroom!

Integra – Alucard, skip your stupid comments and continue with the story. Never in my life have I encountered a lousier story teller than you, why do I even put up with you, you skinny sack of rotten flesh. Rant Rant RantThe last time I saw you reading was that Playboy magazine you stole from Pip and I doubt it was the text you were interested in. You think yourself fit enough to tell a story you sloppy mongrel? Rant Rant Rant Can you read at all or are you illiterate? Rant Rant Honestly have you ever read something; something people regard as literature or perhaps I should lend you some Vinnie Pooh stories for an easy start?

SNNNOOOORRR>

Intega – Alucard,wake up immediately, that is an order!

GRUMBLE, GRUMBLE, crone, Grumble, oh master have you finished ranting already? Usually it takes more than 10 minutes to get it straight, so I decided to doze off as I usually do.

Integra – GGGRRAAAAAAhhhh

Ok, ok no need to freak out and they say that I'm the monster.

Returning to the story. Giddy and full of Pip, Seras continued prancing, but since The hallucinogens were beginning to work, she started seeing things and apparently couldn't find the way to Enrico, who was recovering from his, pardon, hers gender switching operation.

Meanwhile Captain Hans was strolling down the same path which Seras took and was preparing for his monthly period, now don't get me wrong he's a werewolf not a woman you weirdoes, full moon? And usually liked to enjoy his changes intimately, and speaking of intimate, the transvestite Shrödinger creature was spying on him. Guess who found her first? Not gonna tell ya but, hey, there's a hint – none of them.

Kenny was in his trademark orange hoodie. He was also observing the moon and the woods and everything else, he was so happy, but then, oh dear, bumped into Captain when he had shed his concealing wardrobe and now was standing in his full hairy glory (howls and whistles from the werewolf ladies). So Kenny was stupid enough to approach Captain and try to make friends with him.

Kenny – mwwhmhw mwhwh mwhhw jwjwijwjwhe - indistinguishable sounds muffled by the hood - translation - Hello scary, vicious person, wanna be friends?

Captain - " ,--,, -, "

Kenny - nhhjjjdjdhhf mnnn mmmnmnr mnmnsnsdnmmd - Translation – Cool. Let's go to my house for some cookies.

Captain – "., "

After this silent statement he ripped off Kenny's head. He didn't consume him, wanna know why? Cuz Captain Hans prefers vegetarian food, nobody believes me when I say that but it is true, he only eats vegetarians. Oh fear thou veggies!

Anywhoo, Shrödinger leaped out of bushes apparently being chased by something, but when he saw the sight, he couldn't refrain from saying.

Shrödinger – You killed Kenny You bastard!

Captain - " ,---,--,-,--,"

Shrödinger – Oh sorry pal I didn't really mean it I don't know what came over me.

Captain – "-,-,-,-,-"(It isn't a Morse code you know)

Shrödinger – I'm glad you see it my way; I see you wanna go out to eat eh?

Captain – " , "

Shrödinger – Ok we can also go to Deli if you want to, but I know a fancy Vegetarian restaurant just around the corner.

Captain – " ,-, "

Schrödinger – I didn't know you were on a diet; you look pretty fine to me.

Rustling of the bushes

Guess who appears in the scene?

Seras – Row, row, and row your boat, gently down the stream! If you see a big naked nazi werewolf, don't forget to scream EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Captain – " ,"

Schrödinger – Yeah, don't offend my fella here!

Seras – OMG what an awful creature (she pointed at the Schrödinger). Aww look at the cute white bunny!(Looking at Captain)

Seras, next time you should really consider what you're consuming, oh my; I'm really ashamed of her now. How will I ever be able to approach her again? She is ruffling Captain's fur, she'll get fleas oh hell, I gotta purchase a flea collar or something.

Note

Dear witch (Integral) I have gone to the pet store to buy some flea powder and worm pills. I will be back till dinner.

PS: If police girl returns before me by all means don't let her inside my room.

Love,

Alucard

* * *

Ok I guess this was really awful, you hate me and don't want me to continue this. 


	2. The litte red iz on loose

Thanks for the nicest rewiews ever, I really didnt thinj You would like that, but most of You people even wanted to continue, so here it goes The little red ridingrhood part two

Ps: special thanks for encouragement go to: DaysOfTheNight, J Luc Pitard, Nagini The Moon Godess, ashley, True Phantom, Neogami and the last but not the least walverina the vampire.

Yours Truly,

Morality

* * *

Addition to the crew!

Blitz Zorn – the barman

Due to the departure of my reckless servant, I, Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, the leader of top secret vampire hunting organization, a full righted member of the council of twelve or protestant knights, knighted by Her majesty will have to tell this tale and try to correct some of the flaws he had so irresponsibly allowed.

The story went on somewhat correctly until that mushroom thing started.

Being the latitudinarian person she was, Seras continued her path through the dark forest and only full moon was illuminating her way as she went. Then all of a sudden the big creature came out of shadows frightening her. She screamed and dropped her basket The next person she saw was Swhrödinger of the foe camp, who tried to lure her in and extract the information needed for his commander – Major, who had dozed off in the eternal sleep and nobody knew how to awaken him except for us of course. Officer Seras tried to start the negotiations with the creature in order to settle matters diplomatically and without revealing our plans. Luckily Paladin Alexander Anderson, who had yet again overstepped the boundaries of the Izcariot – Hellsing treaty and set a foot on protestant ground in order to do my job, appeared on the scene and settled the matters his way, first of all barging in and disturbing the conversation between the two.

Alucard (ME) – Hullo master, I'm baack, oh no don't tell me you've taken the control over MY story. No honestly master, this is sabotage.

Integra – You know that you're the most irresponsible person I've ever known and I simply couldn't allow you to spoil the story like this.

ME – Moi? The irresponsible person? Listen, I went through a hell-like day, D-A-Y, you realize that the sun was shining and all don't you? Searching through pet shops for all items I need to de – verminate Seras and I am the irresponsible one? Tell me Master when was the last time you cared about my health?

Integra – I thought you didn't have parasites.

I REALLY shuddered

ME – Well, no, but still, I'd appreciate the gesture.

Now after I've retrieved my rights to tell this story, forget all the evil witch said. Speaking of the incapability of story telling she didn't cover even a half of it and left the spicy bits out.

Integra – Are you questioning my authority?

ME - Go run an organization or something, this story is my business.

Integra – Grumble.

Master, would you remind me where I finished?

Integra- You went to a pet shop didn't you?

Oh yes, right, Sears was mussing Captain up. But Schrödinger creature had gotten really jealous and started complaining

Schrödinger – Hey, don't leave me out!

Captain – ", "

Seras – Away with you beast!

Poor transvestite-feline creature started to sob and my druggie of a fledgling started pitying him.

Seras – come here you big lump of a nazi.

She hugged him and said

Seras – Ok Fluffy, let's go for a drink You're treating, where's the nearest bar?

Captain – ",---"

Schrödinger – Nope, we raided it last week, there surely will be no vegetarians there.

Captain – " ?"

Schrödinger – That's a good idea, what do you think bat girl?

Seras – Yes, what the bunny said. But I have no money on me.

Schrödinger – No problem, we know the barman.

So this way did Seras get herself into trouble, what happened to the basket of cookies you ask? Well, Alexander Anderson was searching the woods in order to find Schrödinger and captain.

* * *

**Dossier**

**Captain Hans**, nickname – Captain, but friends call him fuzzy. Special marks – elevated hairiness and disturbingly gaping gaze, talks in ",". Usually wears old fashioned battle uniforms with stuff hanging from them.

Dangerousness – vicious, cruel, easily disturbed, hates when people stare at him.

**Incrimination**: War criminal, cattle rustler and formidable door slammer.

**Warrant Officer Schrödinger**, nickname cat boy, but fans call him Schrö. Special marks - enormous wooly ears, misleading appearance of youth of an unidentified gender, inborn dental problems. Wears tight shorts, a shirt and a tie.

Dangerousness - vicious, cruel, extremely disturbing

**Incrimination**: War criminal, Thought invasion, exhibitionism (entrail showing), littering

* * *

But, being the lunatic the priest was, he scared them away. He's a lousy hunter, I must admit. Do you know what his trump move is? He runs at his target screaming (Die heretic! Or something along those lines) loudly and swinging his unreasonable stake knives.

Now tell me what would You do if you were being **sneaked upon** by a screaming madman? Mark my words, sneaked upon, oh and he really needs a breath mint, badly, last time I met him, he released a toxic attack at me, I'm speaking of garlic here people!

Integra – Servant, you're loosing your trace of thought. Alexander Anderson was the one who found the basket of cookies, abandoned by Seras.

Fine, so Anderson ate the cookies which were meant for Enrico aka Margaret. Now I will let the chef speak, I have no idea what he had put in those.

Walter – Well If my memory serves me right, there were aqua, benzene, butylpharabenes, izomethylen, stearyl ether, trisodium EDTA and . .

ME – Walter, weren't you reading your shaving cream ingredients?

Walter - oops, silly me - strychnine, E132, E334, flour, E167, E153, sugar, E494, LSD, DDT, E112, purgative and some other ingredients which cause inadequate behaviour

Thank you Walter, you're genius when it comes to spoiling food. Besides, where do you keepgetting that stuff?

Walter – The black market? This is a special recipe handed down by generations in my family.

Yeah, well it is a good thing I refused solid food a while ago.

Anyhow Seras arrived at bar, "The prancing Millennium" with her two worshipers and Pip – her faithful hallucination.

Blitz – What can I give you?

* * *

**Dossier**

**Blitz Zorn,** nickname Donnerwetter, but friends call her cuddles. Special marks – the left side of body covered by tattoos, never buttons her pants, eyes differ in colour, walks around with a gigantic scythe and has an eye on the left palm. Wears undone pants, black turtleneck and combat boots.

Dangerousness – Very disturbing, vicious, cruel, unbalanced, has insectophobia, goes bonkers when somebody asks her why she never buttons her pants.

Incrimination – War criminal, formidable swinger, illegal lawn mower.

* * *

Donnerwetter! – shit! Translation from german

Ok this is part two If it is intriguing enough, let me know, and oh, besides, I hope You have nothing against insane priest strippers.


	3. Priest stripper and

Hokay, now basically I dont own AEPoes verses along with the good ol Right said Fred band and well all the other stuff oh and before You get confused we call small tubular sponge pastriesLadyFingers in my land.

again thanks for the feedback and I hope this is pepperier than the chapter 2.

Nameless here,

Morality

* * *

Blitz Zorn – Now what can I give you, fine folk, today's special is bloody ladies, fresh and warm, some of them are still breathing. 

Schrödinger – I'll have a bloody Mary, no pulp, a bloody Julia and bloody Sarah for my friends here.

Seras – and one Corona for Pip, no lime!

Blitz Zorn – one minute

** Ear tearing feminine screams from the backroom> **

Seras – This is a neat place

Pip – I hope there are stripers here

** Bone crack>**

Schrödinger – It's your lucky day, they're taking participants from the saloon.

Captain – ","

** Cry of agony>**

Pip – yeah Bat girl, wanna join?

Seras – You freak!

Pip – Ouch!

They're such an exciting couple, I m jealous. As you have guessed, my little fledgling has mentally slapped her pervert of hallucination. Well, I wouldn't want him in my head.

(Shouts from somewhere – Perhaps you d prefer a kinky lady?)

** Slurp, Slurp, Slurp>**

Just between us guys – No.

(Shouts from somewhere – why not?)

** Slurp, Slurp, Slurp> **

I know this sounds stupid, but right now I'm occupied with my supper.

(Answers from somewhere – He's gay)

** Slurp, Cough, Cough>> **

Who said that? No seriously, you want to join that idiot from chapter one?

(Many shouts from somewhere – Big red and Walter sitting in the tree . . )

Say that again and I will change your gender without fine surgery.

(Shouts from somewhere - geez someone's gotten his undies in a knot)

** Evil glare>>> **

I will get you for that

Integra – No you won't!

Grumble, grumble, hag, grumble.

Meantime Blitz had arrived with the refreshments and a surprise for the police girl.

Seras – ooo, adornments, what is it?

Blitz Zorn – These are called Lady Fingers, madam, a complimentary treat from the lovely Sir in the corner.

You know what, after a longer examination those really appeared to be fingers floating in her drink. Oh joy, I love when girls scream.

Seras – EEEw, gross, who sent it?

Pip – Check the card.

Schrödinger – (reads) Come this evening and tap on my chamber door,

Then we'll roll down on the floor,

This is it and nothing more.

Signed

Nameless here forever more - Edgar Allan Poe

Seras – Huh?

Pip – Isn't he dead?

Ahh, E.A.Poe, my most beloved poet. I wish he wrote me something.

** The song "Im too sexy" by Right Said Fred is played by the jukebox>>>**

Dum dum dum dummm, the pub fell silent except for the jukebox, the door burst open and a dark figure stood in it. Barriers were flung on all routes of escape,

Alexander Anderson (AA) – Now you cannot escape abominations!

Schrödinger screamed like a little girl and everybody started to panic but soon gave up and settled, waiting for their end to come. I could be a good ghost story teller, what do you say master? We could make Hellsing radio and I could be the star of the witching hour.

Integra – I'm busy now, go disturb someone else.

Ok, remember, the jukebox was playing now the Fred was singing

** I'm a model you know what I mean and I do my little turns on the catwalk>>>**

I have never seen his eyes light up like that, the man stepped on the bar table and started wiggling.

Schrödinger – OMG, help, please somebody!

** I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy it hurts>>>**

With this verse, the priest threw his shirt off. You know, recorded, this material would be a good how-to preview for Chippendales. Again some of the bar attendants fainted.

** I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat, would you take off that?>>> **

But instead of the hat, he ripped his pants off which landed gracefully on the terrified Captain. Honestly, boxers with Garfield print?

Schrödinger – Oh make this monstrosity end, I cannot take anymore!

** I shake my little cheeks on the catwalk>>>>**

No comments, which was what he precisely did. Priest, when I said you had to change your tactics, this wasn't quite what I had in mind. Walter you have to give me that recipe of your cookies.

Walter – What are you going to do with it?

Well, I am planning a surprise gift for master Integra and I happen to know what song she likes.

Integra - Alucard I will have your head for that,

Perhaps you would consider a heart, master? Here I go again, SOMEBODY stop ME, I dare you!

I smirk and plunge the palm inside my chest, drawing the bloody organ holding it inches from Integra's face, her eye twitched. In some five minutes she mastered

Integra - Alucard! Don't be disgusting; leave your entrails to yourself!

Aww master, you're right, It's a bit too early for St Valentines, don't worry, I will keep it fresh for you in the freezer.

Integra – this is sick

"The prancing Millennium" huh? Mental note, I really should pay a visit or two there. What do you think master? Wanna come? You know you want to. Naked priests and everything, you might want to take some spare change with you.

Integra – ","

Master I would expect Captain saying this! I really hate to describe movements, but my master fainted, oh crap. Very well now she cannot stop me from my evil plan.

Guess who accompanied the boxers wearing priest on the bar table? Well?

* * *

Ok I like EAPoe and some of those lines "Nameless here forever more", "rapping on my chamber door","only this and nothing more"are verses from his poem the Raven. Dont sentence me t death for using them. Oh I know EAPoe is going to get me. But till then the 4 chapter chall be finished. (Insert unholy laughter) 


	4. tooth fairy and more freakiness

Hokay, now Im at my petty little deeds again. Due to one cute request I added RipVanWincle to the story with minor consequences and yes sorry all Sailor Moon fans, I happen to be ironic sometimes, just dont skin me alive for that. Again thanks for the nice rewiews and on with the story

Exhausted and sleepy but for Your enjoyment,

Morality

* * *

**addition to the crew:**

Tubalcane Alhombra - Artemis

Rip Van Winkle – Sailor Mars

Integra happens to be a part time tooth fairy, Intriguing don't You think?Darkness and silence fell in the room. Oh master, wakey, wakey, the public is waiting.

Integra – Huh, what? What happened?

You fainted

Integra – What? Where am I?

You're on the table and about to dance when lights go on.

Integra – I refuse, this is humiliating.

Basically I am the narrator not you, so you will just have to obey me. Don't be such a control freak; this is for fun after all

Integra – YOU CALL DANCING WITH A HALF – NAKED PRIEST FUN?

AAnd the lights went on revealing Alexander Anderson being held by the evil witch. Whoa, Master you definitely look pretty. . Toothfairyish.

Integra - oh no, noo, no not a purple costume with wings, I asked Seras for something black, but this, this is ridiculous and just look at it, I'd expect a molly to wear this shred of cloth for a skirt.

Master, when did you manage to grow those long legs of yours?

Integra – While You werent looking.Hm actually, not bad, now that I look at it, it's quite gothic, I mean, the spiked belt, chains and black and purple stockings, combat boots, hey I've even got a Goth ring that looks like a talon of sorts.

MMM this has potential. I didnt know you were into such things, what do you say if we took it to the bedroom once?

**Smirks at Integra>**

Integra – One more word and I'll come after your teeth!

Now I'm being frightened by a purple-winged Goth tooth fairy that is holding a priest in a bear hug. Has a world come to an end?

The tango-Cuba piece is the next one played by the jukebox, sit back and enjoy.

Now Integra flips the priest and places her hand where? OH HELL are those the dirty dances? I'd understand some classic moves from waltz or polonaise but this! Did she grind against him? Seras, cover your eyes! Mmaster, where did you learn to dance like that?

Integra - I liked the movie.

Well ja, but somebody has to practice with you, you know.

Integra – Well, yes, and?

Who the heck is it!

Integra – Walter

Don't tell me that warhorse is wiggling with you in such pattern; he's older than my grandma when she hopped the twig and you want to convince me he's your teacher? You know that one requires a different sort of affection to dance like this, my Dutch?

Integra – He's had a cosmetology lately, you should see him, so cute.

Master, you know Nazis did it to him AND this is fraternizing with the enemy.

**Glare at Walter**

Walter – What did I do?

Integra – The hell with you, he's still cute.

Thanks, which, been there, done that. As for your current partner, you know he's a regenerator, right? Well the drugs are beginning to wear off.

Alex – Huh, where am I?

Integra - Oh no not another Alice in the wonderland.

OK I just HAVE TO interfere, this is priceless. Master Imagine what a view the people at the bar table are having. Your panty-girdle is pink, right?

The tooth fairy turns a brilliant shade of roseate.

Master now your face and girdles match! Ouch, what was that for? In fact what is it?

Integra – A brick.

That is the most cliché thing I could have ever imagined, perhaps a silver object or a bottle of holy water, even a stake, but brick? Ouch! a rosary, Ouch! a bible? Master where do you get all those things?

Integra – The priest.

Whoa If I didn't know better, I'd say that Anderson's boxers hold more ammo than the fort Knox.

Integra – They do.

OO . ..THE PRIEST CARRIES BRICKS IN HIS TIGHTS . . . Oops my eyes fell out of their sockets.

(Voice from somewhere – We're having slight technical malfunctions, please wait until Alucard replaces his eyeballs.)

**Annoying music and clips from the show "The amazing life of a sea cucumber" **

Hokay, I'm back and lookie, my orbs are as good as new and even polished. As for the priest, he is awake and he seems so surprised that has cornered my beloved master on the bar table.

Alex – I will rid the earth of your heathen existence you . .

Integra – ALUCAAARD!

Sorry master I m the narrator not a superman, so suit yourself. Honestly, what does the woman think I am, her bodyguard? By the way the rescue is coming; sadly, I can't kill her even in the story, that bond thing and all. That is why the door flung open and there stood two dishes of mine – Rip Van Winkle – the dinner and Tubalcane guy – the lunch. Well at least they didn't protest about their outfits, like they had a choice. Mwwhahahaha

Rip – Unhand her you villain!

Artemis – It s her! (Pointing at Integra)

Integra – WHAAAAA

Sailor moon, master, didn't you love those back when you were 14?

Integra - You mean that toothpick-legged, bug –eyed chits with gigantic breasts and ultra short skirts? Yelling something about makeup and love? Who called them anyways?

Pip - OOO sailor Mars I never got her signature.

Seras - I personally admire sailor Mercury.

Yeah, charming I kinda get annoyed by them myself, well a quick peek into the classic cartoonery and here we go. Ok so there suddenly is an anvil levitating over the two heroes, I wonder what will happen next. Oops,

Artemis – Rip, look out! Insert a strangled cat cry. (The dandyman meatball, flat but a bit fuzzy though, he is a cat, doh).Pesky fur-ball, I should have gotten them both.

Rip – Oh, Artemis, I will never forget you.

Schrödinger – Nice touch with the anvil.

Captain - "-,-,--,-,-,-,-- ,-,- --,- -- ,-,- -- - -,- -, - - ,- -,- - -,-,-! "

Blitz – Darn I we just washed the floors!

Rip - That is it, in the name of love, Mars and third Reich, I shall destroy you. (At the priest)

Alex – HUH?

Rip – The pretty Yodeling voice attack!

Cover your ears, mamma mia, she's worse than Seras. Luckily I was prepared – Signature earmuffs. Now I can continue, according to the muffled sounds of screeching the pretty Yodeling attack is rather nasty, just look at all that shattered glass. I didn't know she could do that, well perhaps I could learn to yodel as well, at least Walter wouldn't be bored.

Walter - I'm not bored. I just love cooking.

Yes, we know. Anyways, during all the ruckus, the feline fuzzy-ears creature and Captain had fled with my fledgling and Pip in tow.

* * *

Ok no need to tell me this chapter was kinda empty But this is a serious turning point in the total chaos which this story is. 

Anyways feel free to rant, I dont mind


	5. Sleeping beauty

Im baack didnt take too long did it? Ok It did and Im sorry but I tried to elaborate at this chappie although it is not too long. ok Enjoy, Hope you missed me

Morality 

Integra aka Integras ghost.

Todays special guest – Bloo Q Cazoo from Fosters

Integra – Why do I have to play such minor roles and why pray tell am I dead?

Well, master first of all this is a low budget story, sponsored by one insane student. Imagine students these days, secondly you were killed by a falling chandelier during the pretty Yodeling attack.

Integra – You were supposed to protect me!

Well yeah havent you noticed you still exist, in a different form though.

Integra- I am a ghost, for christs sake!

Whatever.

So our fluffy ears wolf, cat or SOMETHING and the white bunny accompanied by my simpleton of a fledgling escaped the awful invasion of austrian tunes in an othervise good club.

Enrico Maxwell – Wait a minute, why am I not mentioned here? Im stylish, I have good appearance and am classy and all you did was mention that I was Margaret.

Isnt that enough or would you also like to suffer in a suspiciously unexpected incident?

Enrico Maxwell – Are you threating me? Youll hear from my agent about this, I will sew you for threatening an actor as great as I!

Oh really, and who are you gonna call?

Voice from somewhere – Ghost busters!

Integra – WHA!

Good Idea, hear that master? I think your ectoplasm has plagued this world for the last time, what was their number again?

Morality comes out of the curtain and gives me a sheet or two. Hey gorgeous so youre the one whos put me in charge?

Morality – Yah, now start reading or else

Or else what?

Read!

_Reads _Stop flirting with Integra (stop) Insert Maxwell in the storry (stop) Start telling like all normal narrators do (stop) Or else I will put you on brolcoly diet till the rest of your unlife (stop) Take out the trash(stop) Buy milk and bread on your way . . .. Oops that one slipped.

OK encouraging enough except IM NOT FLIRTING WITH INTEGRA! That would be all.

Now for the jolly goodie storry. The floppy ears creature and little red ridinghood went through the forest. Capptain smelt a bunch of vegetarians near and exchused himself for a reason of heavy sangvinism.(sangvinism – bloodiness).

Schrodinger – We have some trouble you could help us solve, fair lady.

Seras – Oh my dear is that the castle of the sleaping beauty, my good friend?

Wow how can she still see clear after so many margaritas?

Schrodinger – Yes and there lies our chief, we need to prowoke him, the legend says that only a man of pure underwear can wake him up.

NOO Seras , If you say Yes, I will never look at you the same way again, NEVER! Wait a minute, underwear huh, shes not wearing any.

Voice from somewhere – OOOOOOOOOO. How do you know that?

Duh, her catsuit is so tight it looks like it has been painted on her and if she was wearing underwear, that would certainly stick out.

Voice from somewhere – YAY, Lets go after our binoculars!

What have I done.

Ok suddenly Captain leaped out of the bushes, wearing deers antlers for some reason from which a pair of clean boxers hung.

Schrodinger – Ooo you certainly look horny this evening Chap!

Seras – Oh look what hes got!

Schrodinger – A pair of pure underwear! Where did you get that?

Captain - ",-,-,-,-,-,-,-,- ,-, - -,-,-,- - -,- - -,-,-,"

Schrodinger – At the picknick site huh?

Seras – Lets hurry up, we need to find the poor man, he must be terrified.

Captain looks guilty.

Schrodinger – Dont tell me you ate him!

Captain ,-,- -, -,- - - ,- -,- - -,--,-, --,- -,-, -!

Schrodinger – What do you mean just nipped him a few times? Do you not know of the prophecy?

Seras – Aww poor bunny was hungry! Perhaps it is carrots what he wanted?

My poor, poor fledgling, which reminds me – Wheres Pip?

Pip (emerging from the bushes)– Heya folks!

Everybody – WHAAAAAA

Pip – Dint you knw about the prophecy? When a falling chandelier kills a Hellsing.

Integra – Im not dead!

Pip – One hallucination becomes real. Well I was the closest to the site, Ian and Luke who plagued Zorns mind were too busy arguin and planning how to take Hellsing down.

Everybody – OOOH why didnt you say so.

Bloo Q Cazoo – Amateur. (I know it is only one word, but hell do you know how much hiring a celibrity costs?)

Pip – soo whats shakin?

Seras – We need to find someone whos underwear is pure. Everybody looks at Pip

Pip – Hey, hey, dont look at me, my underwear is in the dirty laundry.

Schrodinger - WOOHOOO another one whos walking around commando. Join the club!

Captain - ,- -,- -- -,- -- ,-- -,-, .

Seras – Bunny, you too?

Pip, Schrodinger, Captain – YAY,-,--,-!

Seras – We really have to find a person whos underwear is pure.

Maxwell – ME

Seras – Schro, do you happen to know someone?

Maxwell – ME MEEE

Schrodinger – Nope, what about you, my barebutted friends.

Captain - ,-,- -,- -,-,-,.

Pip – You want to join the nudist club too?

Maxwell – MEE MEE

Schrodinger – NOOO stop daydreaming, we need to find a man of pure underwear!

Maxwell – Wawing flags and signs MEE MEE

Pip at Maxwell – What about that freaky guy on the corner?

Maxwell – YESS

Captain - ,- -,- -,- -,-,.

Schrodinger – ya, I dont know either, he looks a bit too obwious.

Maxwell wawing a pair of clean boxers. Mee mee

Seras – Margaret!

Schrodinger – Ok he will have to do.

Soooo how did you like it, It will become crazier, promise


	6. The BET

Dont cry for me Argentina. Ok this is the last chapter, Dont be upset, besides it will all make perfect sense in the end. Never question my sanity.

Sainly Yours

Morality

* * *

Jingle 

Good evening my dear appetizers, you're listening to Hellsing radio live. It's me, your never-dying host and today's guest in our studio is a hard to die killer, half human – half butler the monocle man, please give a warm welcome to Walter CDornez!

Walter is presently a trusted retainer of Hellsing organization, former nr2 hitman of the aforesaid organization. His hobbies are cooking and inventing deadly gadgets. He dislikes Nazis and squirrels. AAAnd just for You, ladies, he's still single.

Now Walter, tell our audience, what you do to gain such good completion.

Walter – Alucard, I really don't think you should be using that.

Walter, come, don't be shy or are you about to take your secret to the grave?

Walter – Integras going to be mad.

Oh, you're not telling. Geesh, Walter, you're such a mysterious man.

Anywhoo now is the time for our commercial. (Yes, police girl, just read what's written on the paper)

Seras – Um, the instructions on using the gadget, pleasure guaranteed. Add some lubrication if needed. Turn the gadget on, by means of pushing the On button and insert it . . .

No no not that one, hehe em, this is only a prototype. (Innocent smile, sweatdrop, blush) honestly, PG (police girl) shame on you.

Seras – oops (evil smile)

Oh Serass who knew you were soo creative (Dirty smile)

Seras – Um, right, master, THAT can wait, the commercial.

Jingle

Are you annoyed by your thoughtless neighbours, are they driving you crazy?

If the only way you think of them is – bloody monsters!

Don't hesitate, call Hellsing extinguishing squad now!

We also take care of sick relatives, pets and cattle.

BeforeUsingTheProfessionalHelpFromHellsingsAndPartnersPleaseReadTheInstructionsListedOrContactYourDoctorForMoreInformationIfNotHellsingAndPartnersCarriesNoResponsibilityForTheConsequencesYouMightFace

Jingle

Good, Seras, that was a piece of useful information, I surely would use the help of this institution to get rid of several blondes, but I have no doctor, I mean, I had, many, but sadly all of them have determined that I'm irreversibly dead and cannot be cured. Medicine nowadays, sheesh, but what are you gonna do.

OK this hour special in Our studio is the weekly addition of Confessions of the Priest.

Andersen – Grraaaaah

I'll take it as " I'm pleased to meet you."

Andersen – release me, you spawn of hell.

My, my priest, we're on air. So let's drop our little misunderstandings and get to the point shall we?

Andersen – I'm not getting anywhere with you!

You mean you love me too?

Andersen – All I feel for you is HATE!

You want to be my mate?

Andersen – Stop you darn thing!

You want me to be your king?

Andersen – Stop pretending you don't hear

You want to touch me where?

Andersen – (mumbles profanities in latin)

**The door bursts open**

Integra – ALUCARD!

Andersen – Thank You Lord

Alucard – yeEEES

Integra – Alucard, release the priest, let Walter and Seras tend to their duties AND STOP USING MY RADIO TRANSMITTER!

Oh no, our mane office has been sabotaged!SOS, MAYDAY, MAYDAY!! Anybody out there HEEELP!!!

Interga – Stop showing off and GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE and take your Nazi plush toys with you!

In the hall

Pip – hey, red, you were awesome!

Yah, I told you I would and besides, you've lost our little bet and you know what this means.

Next day

Pip(dressed up as a French maid) – Is that all?

Let me see – you've hunted down all rodents in the basement.

Pip – using a dinner fork

Polished my coffin?

Pip – yes

Offered police girl your services?

Pip (rubbing several bruises) – she refused them.

Sang the French anthem during the morning warm – up of the troops?

Pip – I'll be the laughing stock of my men for the rest of my life.

Good there is he last chore I would like you to do for me and you'll be free to go

Pip – Sigh.

Rob the blood bank

Pip – Wha?

You heard me, Integras put me on the involuntary diet for sneaking into her office, using her microphone and insulting the half of the staff including her. Now hurry up, I'm getting hungry.

Pip – Sigh, never make bets with the devil.

* * *

Soo whos insane now? Hhhaahah hah hha hahhahah hahahah oops OO not me :D 

So how did you like it?

And yes PIP AND ALUCARD HELD THE BET AND PIP LOST SO HE HAD TO DO ALL THAT STUFF trust your eyes they dont decieve you.


End file.
